You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize