Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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