you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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