I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
