I haven't been this sober since birth.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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