Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
