Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
