I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
