There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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