Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
