if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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