Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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