i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
