My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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