Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
