Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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