I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
