I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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