I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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