I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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