I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
