I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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