Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
