My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
