Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
