so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
