I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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