They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
