just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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