I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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