I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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