no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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