at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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