Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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