Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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