He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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