I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
