Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
