he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
