Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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