Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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