How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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