Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
