I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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