broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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