Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
