He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
