i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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