Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
