Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My life is pants optional.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
