he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
