is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
