in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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