You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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