she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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