remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
