nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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