Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
