textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
