So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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