And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we made out on top of his cat.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize