the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize