I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
