I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
