apparently the secret to your success is patron
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
