And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
