ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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